you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
