I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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