...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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