Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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