why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
