roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
