I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
