How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Drunk is not a location!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
