I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
