Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
