I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
