remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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