My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There r osticjed everywhere
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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