Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
