he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
