last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
