Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
