My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
