the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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