the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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