yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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