why didn't you poke me back
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
