If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
