Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
never play flip cup with pint glasses
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
