I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
