ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.