My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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