Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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