Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
