I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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