Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
