i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
