i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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