Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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