I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
