if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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