Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
