In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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