Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
