Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
