Someone shit on the floor
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
