he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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