My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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