if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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