I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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