mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
