Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
