My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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