I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It was confusing and full of hummus
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
