i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
