He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
