Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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