I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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