Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
