Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
