I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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