Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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