the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
