Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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